“If she takes my children, I’m going to eat a bullet.”
I can still hear those words as if he had spoken them only a moment ago. What do you say to your close friend when he says something like that? Try to discourage him? Try to get him help? Bud was a CIT-trained police officer; he knew how to get help, and he would most certainly reject any offer to do so.
“I get it. No judgment here,” I told him. And I meant it. I had been suicidal myself only a short time prior. So I understood how he felt, to some degree. I listened and reassured my friend that I had his six. At the time, I thought that was the best thing I could do without betraying his trust. I know differently now. When someone tells you they intend to end their life, keeping their confidence becomes secondary to keeping them alive.
Bud took his own life a couple months later when his ex-wife took his kids from him in the divorce. Ate a bullet, just like he said he would.
This is not an isolated incident. I’ve known several people who have told friends or family that they were suicidal, only to be brushed off as some inconvenience. And almost all of them later died by suicide.
There’s this retarded assumption that people who talk about suicide are only seeking attention; that someone who truly intended to die would never warn anyone beforehand. That belief is both wrong and deadly. Crisis lines exist because people often do reach out before they act, and timely intervention can save them.
Hey, I get it: Corrections teaches us to be skeptical. Inmates often lie, exaggerate, or manufacture emergencies to change their circumstances. That’s reality.
But the numbers don’t lie: According to the CDC, in 2021, male bailiffs, correctional officers, and jailers died by suicide at a rate of 41.3 per 100,000 workers—significantly higher than the overall working population. The Bureau of Justice Statistics reported that in 2019, suicide accounted for 30 percent of deaths in local jails and 8 percent in state and federal prisons. Self-harm is real in our line of work, on both sides of the fence.
So what can we do about it? Well, if an inmate claims a psychological emergency or threatens self-harm, do your job. Follow policy, notify the appropriate people, and let a qualified professional assess the situation. Our job isn’t to pass judgment. That’s not what we’re paid to do. And if someone is inconvenienced by you doing your job, then so be it. You can never go wrong following policy.
What about us? Correctional officers are good at hiding pain. We cover it with dark humor, anger, isolation, alcohol, overtime, and the automatic response that we’re “fine.” But sometimes we reach out. Sometimes we share our struggles with those we spend the most time with: our coworkers. And sometimes we call for help and don’t even realize it. We snap at others, we cut corners, we call in repeatedly. People have a funny way of saying they need help without saying they need help. Sometimes all it takes to get the truth is for another person to reach back and ask if they’re okay.
Earlier I mentioned that I had reached a point where I didn’t want to be here anymore. I sought help, and I got better. I am not sharing that for sympathy. I am sharing it because another officer may be standing where I once stood, believing that asking for help would make them weak, or fearing that their brothers and sisters in gray would think they’re just seeking attention.
In my moment of need, I thought I had to choose between keeping my career and getting help. But I realized that if I didn’t get help, I wouldn’t be alive much longer. Calling the Veterans Crisis Line was one of the best things I have ever done. They helped talk me down, helped me put safeguards in place, and connected me with the care I needed. All I had to do was call.
If You Are Struggling
You don’t have to wait until you have a plan before seeking help. Thinking “I don’t want to be here anymore,” “My family would be better without me,” or “I hope I don’t wake up” is reason enough.
In the United States, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or use the confidential chat at 988lifeline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
You can also contact your Employee Assistance Program, peer-support team, chaplain, primary-care provider, or a mental-health professional familiar with corrections and first-responder trauma.
Not every suicidal statement represents the same level of danger. But we rarely know which statement is a bluff, a desperate request for help, or someone’s final warning. I would rather complete unnecessary paperwork than wear another mourning bracelet for a fallen hero.
If you are thinking about suicide, tell someone now. Make the call and let another person stand beside you until the moment passes. If someone reaches out to you, believe them. Stay with them, involve qualified help, and do not allow fear of overreacting to become an excuse for doing nothing.
We never walk alone. Make damn sure the people around you don’t have to.
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