Six months of training. Six whole months I spent in a luxury air conditioned building, Monday through Friday, from 7 A.M. to 3:30 P.M., and hour-long lunch breaks. You read that right: lunch breaks. An hour. You won’t see that again until your in-service training in a year, so don’t get used to it.
Well I did get used to it. From the front gate of my institution it’s just 3 minutes to a Piggly Wiggly that has the best breakfast and lunch buffet I’ve ever seen in a grocery store. Not a vending machine or deli... A damn buffet. And after eating, I still had time to come back and take a half-hour nap in my car before heading back into the air-conditioned training building to continue my “death by PowerPoint.” Same thing during the academy.
And then, they sent me to compound. From there it was busy work... Shaves and showers, mail call, feeding and tray removal, tablets, counts, and security checks. Nearly non-stop.
And if you do stop somewhere in the middle of your shift to catch a quick bite, you’ve got exactly 2.7 minutes to stuff your face and slam an energy drink before the sergeant sends you on another meaningful task. Luckily, spoiled as I was, the Army prepared me for this exact scenario years ago. So here are my three tips on how to maximize your caloric intake in just 3 minutes, and avoid a hangry crash-out.
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Bring meals that are quick and easy to prepare. You don’t have time to prep a four-course meal. TV Dinners would work well here if it weren’t for the lack of refrigeration in some of the dorms. And MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) always take longer to heat up than you expect them to. My go-to used to be leftovers from the previous night’s dinner, but certain meats don’t keep well in this environment. One sick call bang-in later, I’ve landed on protein meal replacement bars. The Met RX Big 100 High Protein meal replacement bars are my favorite. They come in 3 flavors, 2 of which I actually like. They’re filling enough to hold me over until I get home... as long as I don’t pull an EDR shift.
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Leave the BBQ ribs at home. And that goes for hot wings, tacos, or any other “finger foods” that require you to wash your hands after eating. You may find yourself elbow deep in a quick bite when a “10-24” is called and you gotta drop everything and roll out. Don’t be that guy that shows up with barbecue sauce smeared all over his handcuffs.
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Eat now, taste it later. This was my Army drill sergeant’s advice while rushing us out the DFAC (dining facility). We got shit to do. Savoring every bite isn’t one of them. Shove a few bites in while you’re still chewing the last ones and wash it down with your favorite beverage. If what you’re eating is soft enough you ain’t even gotta chew. Those security checks aren’t going to do themselves, ya know.
Corrections will teach you many things, but few are as practical as learning to consume 400 calories between radio calls. Bring something fast, make sure you can eat it neatly, and save the fine-dining experience for your days off. If you ever get ten uninterrupted minutes to eat, don’t ask questions; sit down, chew quickly, and enjoy your remaining seven minutes. The prison gods have smiled upon you... This time.
Until tomorrow, stay safe, stay caffeinated, and try not to become tomorrow’s Daily Cluster. – D. Mathena
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