The prison is a jagged sort of environment filled with concrete and steel, smells that will make your stomach turn, and loud, echoing sounds that can leave you wondering if this is what hell feels like. Add to that the screech of some rookie trying to tell you what door to roll, and all you can hear is an unearthly screech, or the garbled, incoherent message of someone who is actively eating his lapel mic as he tries to tell you he has your “44”... It’s a little unnerving to say the least.
I’ve found myself biting my tongue far too often to keep from getting written up for all the shit I wanted to say over the radio, but didn’t. So here are five pointers you can use to make sure the right door gets called and help is on the way when you need it.
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Either yell or use the radio... don’t do both! Fun fact: walkie-talkies are designed to send sound over a long distance. You don’t have to yell. I promise we can hear you. Yelling into your radio just makes it harder to understand what you’re saying. Especially with a lapel mic. Talk normally and we’ll all get your message.
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Step away from the officer with the other radio! I don’t know why your buddy is standing directly inside your asshole while you’re talking on the radio, but his radio is causing yours to screech when you key up. What the hell did you just say?! I hope it wasn’t important, because all I heard was garbage.
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Don’t stack ten codes! Listen, you may think you sound cool speaking in your newly discovered secret tactical language... but in reality, you just sound like a douche. Nobody is impressed by your “10-4, I’m 51 to your 20, 52: 5 mikes.” Just say you’re on your way. Nobody gives a shit.
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Listen for a response to your last transmission! We all get that you’re busy, but an important part of communication is receiving and acknowledging receipt of the message. If I didn’t hear what you said, I’m going to “10-9” you and wait for you to repeat. If you’re not listening for my response, you won’t know if I got your message or need clarification. Don’t just bark orders over the radio and assume that the recipient heard you.
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Stop having a deep conversation on my radio! You’re not the only ones on this frequency, so make it brief and get the fuck off the air. Between several dorms rolling doors, Captain relaying important information to a sergeant, and Master Control calling count times and other shit that keeps this place running, any time you’re broadcasting your chuckles and making sly comments about who-gives-a-fuck-what, you’re probably either walking on someone else’s transmissions, or preventing them from getting their message out. So stop it.
Whether you’re a mic swallower, a butt-kisser, or a highly strung tacticool operator, the radio is a simple piece of equipment that does what it’s supposed to most of the time. Speak in a calm, reassuring voice, and she’ll do anything you want her to... Except for that. Fucking pervert.
Until next time, stay safe, stay caffeinated, and try not to become tomorrow’s Daily Cluster.
-D. Mathena
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